Social
April 24th, 2010 at 02:54pm
Under Social
As you may already know, the divorce rate in most of the Western world has reached a very high level, and shows no sign of decreasing. This is not a disaster in itself, because many marriages involve painful levels of conflict, and for many, including the children involved, the most humane solution is divorce. Indeed, not all relationships can, or should, last ’till death us do part’. But when divorce happens there are severe consequences for the individuals involved, both adults and children.
A divorce is like a bereavement, and in some cases it feels worse than a bereavement through death, because your ex-partner is still around but doesn’t want you. It leaves the ex-partners more vulnerable to various diseases, including cancer, heart disease and alcoholism.
The general opinion among researchers is that divorced men are probably more at risk of physical illness than divorced women in the aftermath of the split, although divorced women are more likely to suffer from depression. Children of divorced parents are also more likely to be disadvantaged educationally and in their psychological adjustment than those whose parents are together, so learning how to save a relationship can be a worthwhile endeavor if there is still hope left in it.
Added to this are the statistics that show that second marriages are, if anything, less stable than first marriages, and more likely to end in divorce. Thus the idea of ‘getting it right the second time’ is not as realistic as it might seem to the divorcing couple.
Divorce And Separation As A Last Resort
It follows that it would be preferable, as far as possible, to avoid the risk of a relationship ending, especially if there are children involved. However, this does not mean that a marriage must be kept from breaking up at all costs, and there are certainly some couples, because of their intrinsic relationship problems, who are much better off apart than together. The message from the earlier chapters in this book is that there are many different ways of improving a relationship, and that if they can be deployed then maybe some divorces can be postponed or prevented.
In my opinion divorce should be seen as a last resort, when all else has failed. This is partly because the stability of marriage (or similar relationships) is worth maintaining if it can be achieved, and partly because the aftermath of divorce is difficult and complicated both for the couple and for any children involved.
One way of moving away from the inevitability of a divorce is to consider whether the personal issues that are driving you towards divorce are more or less important than the stability of the relationship. Here’s some ideas that will help you to think about how you might look at alternatives.
You can’t insist on your partner staying with you, but you can insist on divorcing
Divorce, if it has to happen, should be a bilateral decision, with both of you deciding that it is the only possible course, and that the separation is the least bad solution to your problems. Usually, however, there is one partner who is keener on it than the other. Often this is in the context of an affair involving that partner, and they want to form a new relationship and therefore separate.
In other cases one partner makes the decision that they can no longer put up with the behavior of the other one, or they have ‘fallen out of love’ and must separate. Here the power is in the hands of the partner who has made the decision that the relationship is at an end, and the other partner cannot insist on staying together. Putting this another way, it takes two people to decide to stay together, but either of them can decide on their own to go ahead with the divorce.
By Kym
March 3rd, 2010 at 08:14am
Under Social
Leisure Activities
Often a couple find that they have very different interests, and that they don’t really enjoy each other’s activities. A young man may be very interested in sport, and have a commitment to a tennis club which is long-standing, and which involves quite a lot of socializing after matches. His new partner may find this very boring, and wishes that he would join her on shopping trips instead, an activity which he finds uninteresting.
The two competing interests each form a kind of triangle for the relationship, and the problem may become so acute that it jeopardizes the relationship. The answer is to discuss the competing interests as a couple, trying to find a compromise which suits both partners. This could take the form of a timetable, in which both partners agree to give up some of their leisure activities for the sake of the relationship. If this cannot be done, and if both the activities annoy the opposite partner too much, they should perhaps think about the future of the relationship before they enter into too deep a commitment together.
Friends
Similar problems can arise with friends of both partners. If Partner A cannot get along with Partner B’s friends, a decision may have to be made, as with the problem with parents, as to which relationship Partner B is most committed to, and he/she will have to make arrangements to reduce the conflict, perhaps by meeting the friends without the partner or by dropping the friends for the partner’s sake.
Work Problems
Some jobs are very demanding, and one partner may be in such a job, with the need to work long hours or to spend time on long business trips, with no possibility of changing this without loss of earnings or damage to their career. However, the other partner may resent the time that their partner spends at work, and once again a triangle has formed which causes tension in the relationship.
The person with the absorbing job may find it hard to understand why the other partner can’t accept the importance of his/her career, while the other partner finds it hard to see why the demands of the job are given such high priority. Again the solution will depend on how important each partner rates the relationship and the job. There isn’t always an easy solution, but talking and trying to understand each other is the best that can be done.
Get free relationship advice to help resolve any issues or relationship problems you are experiencing or worried about. Strong and healthy relationships take time and effort to build and nurture. Find out how to start strengthening yours today.
By Kym
March 3rd, 2010 at 06:02am
Under Social
Both partners in a relationship are usually in touch with their own parents, and although this is usually a great support for them, it can sometimes cause difficulties. Relationship problems may arise where, say the parents of Partner A do not approve of their son/daughter’s partner, and conflict arises.
The dilemma that Partner A has is to keep both relationships going without losing either his/her parents or his/her partner. It may take quite a lot of skill to balance this situation, for example not challenging either the partner or the parents too heavily when they express their opinion of the other, and managing to keep the peace at times when the two antagonistic parties meet.
Christmas and birthdays may be a particularly tense time for partners in this position. One trap to avoid is talking negatively about one party to the other, because a kind of amplification process may build up, in which the person being talked to begins to sense that they can win the battle and detach the partner from the other party.
If you are forced to make a decision between partner and parents, this can be difficult, and your decision will have to depend on how much is at stake (e.g. the welfare of your children) and on how much you value your partner and your parents.
Other relationship problems with families of origin (in-laws) is when Partner A’s parents want to be a controlling influence in the relationship, especially where the rearing of children is involved. Their advice may be very good, but when Partner B (often the male in this situation) is bypassed in making important decisions about the children, for example about education or religion, he may feel neglected and resent it.
This situation may arise especially when children are very young, and their mother is insecure about parenting. The father may feel really out of touch, and either becomes a non-participant parent or fights for his parental influence, with negative consequences for the relationship.
The best relationship advice, as is often the case, is for both partners to act as a team, to consult each other as much as possible and to discuss Partner A’s mother’s advice together before deciding whether to follow it.
Case example
Liam (45) is married to Siobhan (42) and. they have two boys, aged 10 and 8. Liam’s mother, who has not worked outside the home, used to be very close to Siobhan, meeting her regularly to take the children out, and giving the children presents. There was a serious argument, however, between her and Siobhan, and Siobhan has now refused to see Liam’s mother without Liam being present. The mother is very upset by this, and puts pressure on Liam to arrange meetings with Siobhan and the children.
In therapy the couple agreed that it would be sensible for Liam to see his mother alone on a regular basis, and to arrange frequent family meetings including her, himself, his wife and children.
The mother was not completely satisfied by this arrangement, but accepted it, and at the eldest son’s first communion there was a pleasant family gathering with all attending. The important thing in this case is that the couple worked out their strategy and then put it into practice with Liam’s mother and the children.
By Kym
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